Past & Present: School, Family, and Choosing Life

I'm going back to school. And the thing is, I already went to college like a decade ago. I have a bachelor's and a master's degree, but I really didn't make anything out of them (and no, I don't want to now. I want to pivot). I was young, unambitious, and lost, obsessively role-playing morbid scenarios in my head. I didn't think I'd choose to live this long, honestly.

On one hand, I blame myself for not doing enough during my academic journey: not gaining more experiences (because I was too scared), not putting myself out there more (because I wasn't confident), and not participating in networking (because I was and still am socially awkward).

On the other hand, I blame my parents. To them, being home to cook and clean was more important than gaining life experiences. I was required to be a good Hmong daughter so that I could be a good Nyab some day. My parents' house was "not a hotel," as they put it, so internships and networking events (even a part-time or work-study job) was seen as superfluous and a distraction from graduating. These hinderances contributed to my social awkwardness and lack of ambition.

Don't get me wrong - I had determination which isn't the same thing as ambition. I had the determination to make it through undergraduate and graduate school. But I didn't have any neutral ambition to call my own. I didn't feel like I was doing anything for or by myself. My life choices revolved around (and were dictated by) my parents: in the name of my parents, in the name of their reputation and sacrifices, and, of course, because I love them. I can say that last part now, only after years of erratic self-healing and reflection, but past me harbored a lot of bitterness and anger.

My parents, undoubtedly, are very much deserving of happiness and prosperity. As refugees, of course they want a successful lineage. Growing up in poverty in the home land, the refugee camps, and in the States, of course they want wealth and riches. Having to assimilate into the dominating society in order to survive, of course they didn't fully understand the work it took to have fulfilling and useful college experiences. The only thing they knew about college was that we needed good grades and that we had to get that expensive paper degree.

During my college era, our U.S. American society continued feeding us the uncontextualized belief that a college degree itself would guarantee many open doors of opportunity post-grad. Our Hmong refugee parents clung onto that hope with all that they had (literally), and they gently (or forcibly) nudged us children into college. Once we got in, sadly, some of our own parents became an added impediment.

To be fair, parents are rightfully concerned about their child's well-being and progress in life. The world is a tumultuous place. Our Hmong parents especially didn't understand the college world - and neither did a lot of us as first-generation students! We should know now what our parents didn't know then, and we can be appreciative of how much they cared (maybe not always in the most productive and healthy way), while still feeling validated in having missed out on a more immersive college experience.

For some of us, we participated in Life's experiences despite our parents' reluctance. For others, maybe in spite of. As for the remaining one-third of us (me looking at myself), the pernicious predicament of keeping the peace at home always triumphed over the need to pursue more out of life. Ironically, though, was there ever really peace? (Haha, no).

Thinking about now, in 2024, the price of living and surviving is continuing to inch beyond what any "livable wage" could ever meet. The "American Dream" of owning a home is becoming more and more, quite literally, a dream. Understanding all this and trying to explain it to others, between those who are already more established in life and actively choose to misunderstand or patronize you, and the parents who can't move beyond the mentality of pull-yourself-up-by-your-bootstraps, it can feel and become overwhelmingly futile.

These days, my parents and in-laws still seem to measure our value based on how much assets we own. They will always say this isn't true - that they "love us all equally " - but it would be naive of me to not have some skepticism based on past and current lived experiences. This doesn't mean I love them any less. In fact, knowing all that I've said in this post, this means I can love them in a healthier way.

I won't tear myself apart anymore in order to please any set of parent. Loving my parents today comes with some boundaries, boundaries that are still in the baby steps, but boundaries nonetheless, because without it, there would only be resentment. I also can't control what other people think, and any back-handed judgements are a reflection of those people, not me. I won't live in envy of all the things I don't have that others do. Although, I am human and do have my jealous pangs from time to time.

So, yea, I'm going back to school; despite the personal challenges and the socio-economic obstacles. This time, I'm going for me and on my own terms. I'm not doing it for anyone's sacrifices or reputation. I'm not doing it so that others will value me more or accept me into their social circles.

I'm going back to school so that I can create the life I want to live and have, because, well, it seems I have chosen to stay alive.